Chelsea Handler: My Horizontal Life

• ISBN-13: 9781455577514
• Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
• Publication date: 7/16/2013
• Pages: 221

In this raucous collection of true-life stories, Chelsea Handler recounts her time spent in the social trenches with that wild, strange, irresistible, and often gratifying beast: the one-night stand.

 You've either done it or know someone who has: the one-night stand, the familiar outcome of a night spent at a bar, sometimes the sole payoff for your friend's irritating wedding, or the only relief from a disastrous vacation. Often embarrassing and uncomfortable, occasionally outlandish, but most times just a necessary and irresistible evil, the one-night stand is a social rite as old as sex itself and as common as a bar stool.

 Enter Chelsea Handler. Gorgeous, sharp, and anything but shy, Chelsea loves men and lots of them. My Horizontal Life chronicles her romp through the different bedrooms of a variety of suitors, a no-holds-barred account of what can happen between a man and a sometimes very intoxicated, outgoing woman during one night of passion. From her short fling with a Vegas stripper to her even shorter dalliance with a well-endowed little person, from her uncomfortable tryst with a cruise ship performer to her misguided rebound with a man who likes to play leather dress-up, Chelsea recalls the highs and lows of her one-night stands with hilarious honesty.

 Encouraged by her motley collection of friends (aka: her partners in crime) but challenged by her family members (who at times find themselves a surprise part of the encounter), Chelsea hits bottom and bounces back, unafraid to share the gritty details. My Horizontal Life is one guilty pleasure you won't be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

 Before I get into this, I just want to say that I think Chelsea Handler is hilarious. She's one of my favorite comediennes. HOWEVER. This book is way more information than I really wanted. About a lot of things. Mainly, her vagina.
 The book started off hilarious, but somewhere in the middle it lost me. I personally am not a promiscuous or adventurous person. Far from it, in fact. I would say somewhat reserved even. But I acknowledge that other people have fewer scruples and repressed guilt issues than I do, and I don't begrudge them their sexual misadventures. But Chelsea, according to this, takes it to another level. Some of the stories are suitable mortifying and riotous. Some, however, are lessons in what not to do - ever.
 I was continually impressed, however, with Chelsea's stunning ability to act in the moment and improve her way out of awkward situations. I wish I had that presence of mind. Most of the time I just loose my tongue, unless I've already thought up a pliable lie and then BAM Oscar-winning performance. Swear to God.
 I don't feel like there is very much to say about an autobiography aside from one's personal reactions. It is, after all, someone else's life story, not fiction, and there isn't much to say about plot holes or character development. I did appreciate, though, that we visibly moved forward in Chelsea's life, and that there was a life lesson to take away at the end. She showed a level of maturity and self-realization that she had not previously displayed throughout the whole of the book, and I am a huge sucker for development. Four for you, Chelsea.
 Overall: B
 Not super impressed with her sexcapades, but props for the amounts of laugh-out-loud material. The stories, while some required mind-bleach, were told brilliantly.